So you might have noticed that the content on my blog has been a bit light on of late.
If you haven't noticed it that's good, but I have certainly felt it.
I have so many draft posts, about things I am passionate about, just sitting there waiting to be completed and many more running around in my head. But life is just like that sometimes and the reality is that behind the scenes there has been an awful lot happening here.
The house is still on the market and not under contract and as we head into winter I suspect that the inspections will be few and far between and we could be here for some time yet.
While it is great that we are under no pressure to sell we would just like to have it sold so we can move on with the next stage (albeit a transition stage) of our lives. So here's hoping for another interest rate cut and more buyers wanting to live in the country.
Planning for our life in New Zealand is well underway and we are getting close to finalising our house plans. This has been a long process and we have refined and scaled back from where we started but I think that we are almost there. Now comes the scary part, getting a costing.
We have also been designing a shed for our property that will be built before the house and will give us somewhere to live, store our furniture from here and to store tools, building materials and second hand materials. We hope to get the shed built before we move and it might even happen this year but we will see.
Because we do not know what the future holds and I want to keep moving my life in a forward direction I have made another big decision. I am going to go to University.
I start studying in July working towards a degree in Psychology via distance, through Massey University in Palmerston North New Zealand, which is 20 minutes from our property there.
I will still be working so I am only taking 2 classes in my first semester plus one over the summer school period.
I know that studying will take me in a new direction and I am really looking forward to the challenge although at the same time I am a bit nervous as well.
I have wanted to change my job for quite a while now but since we are going to be moving there is no point and I just need to suck it up and plough on through, plus I need to pay for my study as I want to limit the amount of debt I take on.
And finally Hubby and I are also at the point where we need to make another big decision that will have lasting impacts either way.
For the last 6 years we have been trying for a baby and to date we have had no success.
We are now faced with the prospect of going down the IVF path and to be honest we are not sure that we are prepared to invest the additional time and the money, not to mention the emotional investment.
I am 36 and Hubby is 39 and to be completely honest if we are not pregnant soon I think we will just get on with life.
There is a big part of me that thinks we should just live the life God dealt us but other parts of me worries that if we do not give it a go we might regret it.
We are also conscious of the fact fact that our planet is already over populated and there are many kids out there who need a home, so perhaps if we do not have one of our own we will investigate other options.
So as you can see there has been lots happening behind the scenes.
If you have any thoughts about going down the IVF path vs dealing with what life has dealt us feel free to comment. I am not overly sensitive about it so don't be afraid to speak your mind.
I hope to get a few of those posts out of my drafts folder soon too.
Hi Fiona, We followed the "if it doesn't happen then so be it" path. Jean would have been a wonderful mother while I would have been a crappy father so it was probably for the best. Neither of us feel we have been short changed in life. There are benefits. We don't have sleepless nights worrying about what your kids are doing, or if they will be good kids. We are financially better off and the RSPCA gets a big bonus when we are no longer about.
ReplyDeleteNeither of us understand the desire for children that leads others to try IVF. But we are all different. Certainly the surrogacy path leaves us bewildered especially when it leads to picking which of the twins you will keep.
There are many joyous moments that we missed out on by not having children but then there are lots of other experiences unrelated to building a family that we also missed out on. Life isn't about experiencing everything.
I applaud your practical approach.
Thanks for replying John and sharing your experience I think there are positives and negatives on both sides of the fence. And you are right you can never experience everything life has to offer.
DeleteAs a mother and a woman I feel from my own experience that if you have always wanted kids then that desire won't go away. It is an incredible thing in your life and I say follow your dreams. Without sounding too obvious I'm sure you have seen doctors etc and checked things out as to why things weren't happening etc. if you have always wanted to be a mother father and family follow your dream and living on a farm in NZ would be an amazing life for little ones. Having a new career path is great and even if you do your study you can still have kids and have a new career path to follow when they are in school and you can work part time. I say go for it because it's amazing. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane
ReplyDeleteThanks for your thoughts Kathy and yes you are right I have had all of the medical side of things checked out and we always knew it might not happen (although I have to admit I kind of thought it still would) as I have PCOS (poly cystic ovarian syndrome). I have had all the tests done again recently and apparently all is good for both Hubby and I so perhaps we are just doing it wrong : )
DeleteWell, you have so many changes and decisions happening in your life! I find it hard to comment on the IVF decision because I have always had children and can't imagine it any other way. I was very young when I had my first, so never experienced adulthood without children. I imagine life would offer many more choices as a couple. Doing what you want, when you want. My daughter has undergone IVF and it has been expensive. They now have one child but their second attempts have not been successful yet. The hormones play havoc with her emotions too. She's a mess when going through treatment. The decision is something only you and hubby can make. Life with kids is wonderful but tiring and very stressful at times. Have you considered talking with a good therapist?
ReplyDeleteLinda you raise a really good point that timing and age has a lot to do with it as we are actually much better placed physically to have babies when we are between 18 and 28 not in our late thirties like me. It is apparently also easier to have babies late in life if you have had previous pregnancies. The expense of IVF could be the decider as we can think of other ways to spend it instead of what could turn out to be a gamble. We have not thought about seeing a therapist at this stage but if we feel conflicted in our decision we might see one.
DeleteI'm going to attempt a link for a humourous but very accurate video on what life is like with children. If the link doesn't work, try entering the address. It's worth watching just for the laugh.
ReplyDeleteNope, didn't work. http://stuffhappens.us/what-people-without-kids-dont-understand-15573/
ReplyDeleteHaha that is so funny and yes I have seen that played out in many households of friends and family.
DeleteHi Fiona. Congrats on your study decision I think that will be exciting for you, and also the progress towards your move. With regards to the baby business, in my humble opinion (and experience) having IVF takes 200% of commitment. If you are really keen, finding the money and making the decision comes easily. THowever, that decision is one that only the two of you can make. You need to be really yearning for that baby to come along, and sometimes it doesn't even after a lot of $$ and time. Personally, we were definite in our decision to have a baby and although the process took a long time and I was 38 when he was born I cannot imagine life without him...... but if he hadn't come along we would have had a totally different life which would have been good too in other ways! So there is no winning answer, it's a decision that you both have to feel comfortable with as you settle into different life stages. cheers Wendy
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing you story Wendy, and you are right it will mean a lot of commitment and I am not sure either of us is that committed/focused on it at the moment. Perhaps that is an indication of where our heads are at.
DeleteYou certainly have a lot going on Fiona...study sounds like a fantastic idea and preparing for a big move will take up a lot of your time. I've had a couple of friends try the IVF path in their late 30's without success. On the other hand a friend had tried for years to fall pregnant then gave up and decided they didn't want any and lo and behold she was pregnant 6 weeks later....sometimes things come to us when we least expect them. and sometimes we crave the things we can't have..I think you have a great attitude and what will be will be. I wish you loads of luck whichever path you take.
ReplyDeleteSuzie I think you are right and when you stop thinking about it things can just fall into place. We are trying not to get too worked up about it and not making "it" a chore. Thanks for you thoughts and comments.
DeleteWow, big post, and here i was thinking that you were just hibernating like me. Big topic and gosh i admire the way you are handling things. There was a time when you had to play the cards you were dealt and also a time when you, as a woman, were expected to want to have children and if you didnt then there was "something" wrong with your head. Thank goodness we now have options either way and there is no judgement about which path you choose. A life that is lived well, that contributes to the world we live in and surrounded by friends and family is no less a life that that of being a mother. Its just different. I think you are a fantastic inspirational person which ever path you take. PS. When you got them, you cant give them back (no matter how much you might want to sometimes LOL)
ReplyDeleteThanks for you kind words Lynda. As much as times have changed there is still a lot of people out there who just keep on asking "So when are you going to have a baby?" as if it is an assumption that you are. I have a friend who had tried to get pregnant for a long time and was very sensitive about the issue and it got to the point that she would nearly be in tears every time someone raised the issue. The reality is that most people never stop to think that pregnancy may not come easily to everyone and could be a sore point.
DeleteHey Fee, wow, lots going on and so many lovely supportive comments from some very smart ladies :) Well firstly congrats on your decision to study and great choice of uni (as an alumni of that particular uni, I know its a good one!). I hope the house sells soon, I know that particular frustration well!
ReplyDeleteAnd then to the big issue. As someone in a couple who has so far made the decision not to have children (and not even knowing if its a possibility for us or not), I am disappointed by some of the rhetoric I read that "you only know true love" when you have a baby or that you will be missing out on something, or worse, that you'll "change your mind" or regret the decision. When I look at the life I have, I know that much of it would not be possible if I had children, and I'm happy to make that compromise. I also know how much of my nurturing energy goes into baby chicks, calves, dogs, and other family members. I'm glad I have the time and energy to care for others, to be an aunt and a sister to my fullest capacity. Whether a woman is childfree by choice or circumstance, we need to recognise that as a valid state and not as something missing from that woman's (or couple's) life. I think that would help more people be at peace with the situation. Of course, as everyone else has said, only you and R can make that choice and it is certainly a difficult one.
Liz you are so right and this is what I love about blogging, so many people to contribute and share ideas and experiences. I am really looking forward to studying again but it is also a bit nerve racking. Another inspection is planned for this weekend so fingers crossed
DeleteSo many of your comments ring true for us and we love having others around us who are in a similar situation as us and who accept that being childless is just as valuable a position as it allows you to nurture in other ways. My cousin and her husband have told us we can borrow their kids as often as we want when we are in NZ so perhaps that will be the solution.
For now though we are just going to get on with life.
This may sound like a lot of mularky but back in the day when adoption was more common there were many cases of women falling pregnant quite soon after adopting, something to do with the release of hormones caused by caring for a small baby. ....you might want to offer to babysit, or volunteer at a local day care......*you have some spare time and would appreciate some practical experience, as you are trying for a baby *
ReplyDeleteA very old Greek doctor told a friend years ago that some ladies need to loose some weight, everyones ideal conception weight is different, even a few pounds can be the difference.
I do understand how you feel, there is 7years gap between my 2......I would see a naturopath and work on good gut health, it can't hurt and may help, try nature first, ivf is a big commitment.
Hope you don't give up.
Parenting isn't easy, but the joy and love.....you have no idea ! ! !
Thanks for you tips Margaret and I think you are on to something about cuddling babies and it is something I have heard before from my Nan. I have lost a stack of weigh over the last 12 months and this has helped with lots of things. We eat lots of fermented foods so our gut health should be good but you raise a good point about seeing a naturopath.
DeleteI'm late to reply to this, but wanted to share my experience with having 2 children, 10 years apart, after 15 years of trying. I can tell you, the 2 times I fell pregnant weren't by accident. They happened to coincide with life circumstances, which ended with me eating a restricted diet. I basically ate fruit, veg, meat and some dairy, but not a lot. I was off coffee and not drinking anything but water. My appetite for eating dropped with this diet too. I lost weight, but I don't believe that's what made me conceive.
ReplyDeleteAfter many years and experimentations, I have discovered I have food intolerances that weren't killing me, but throwing my hormones out of whack. The weight was a symptom, not the cause. So in the 15 years of no contraception, we only hit jackpot twice, and both coincided with a change in diet. My recommendation to anyone considering IVF, is try the Paleo Diet for a few months first and stick to it.
I was considering IVF, but made the decision not to put myself through that. Not because a baby wasn't desired, but because I didn't want to fight what nature had selected for me. When you fight nature, it always takes more energy than to work with nature. I knew there had to be a good reason for why I couldn't conceive. Turns out, when I got off the foods causing me issues, my patience threshold increased and I became more physically able - all things a completely vulnerable newborn needs in a mother to take care of them. I would hate to think how I would have coped looking after newborns, had I not dealt with my food intolerances.
Nature indeed, knew best. The lack of conception, was just the side effect of not being in balance with the foods nature intended mother's to eat, to thrive. You can force nature to make a baby, but then you're left with the same broken vessel to cope with all the turmoil of looking after newborns, afterwards. A lot of women who go down the IVF path, get that much wanted baby, only to find themselves extremely depressed afterwards. Its not the lack of desire to want a baby, but the broken vessel which struggles to meet its demanding needs. We come to associate menstrual cycles, pregnancy and birth, as hormonal imbalances. But its not the way nature intended. Nature designed balance, when you apply the right forces to contend with each other. Women have not been eating the foods nature intended for our bodies to thrive, and that's why we have problems in our reproductive areas.
Chris thanks so much for sharing your story. I have been working on my diet for the last 18 months and have lost over 35 kg which I am sure is helping. What will be will be in the end.
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